Romeo and Juliet - GW style
by Midori Jace
Summary: The G-boyz are forced to perform in Romeo and Juliet!!


Romeo and Juliet  
  
A/n: Insane little piece inspired by Cherry Blossom's CPT episode on Shakespeare. I put Vadne (pronounced vad-nay), usually my alter ego, in the story, just because I felt it is better than talking to myself. If you've seen the Abridged Complete Works of WLLM SHKPHRE then you know I took some parts from that. This is a first attempt so please review and make suggestions.   
  
Oops. Nearly forgot again. Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, Xanth, the aforementioned book, the Maxwell house, and etc.  
  
Before the Show starts...  
(Behind the curtains. Midori has just finished setting up the backdrop: a picture of two houses, with a balcony made of cardboard protruding from the house on the right.)  
  
Midori: Hmm, this doesn't look so bad. Where's Vadne? The show's starting in 10 min!  
  
Vadne (walks onto the stage from the side): Hiyo! I just zapped Relena, Dorothy, ecetera., into the audience, they're in the front row right now.  
  
Midori:*smirks evilly* Excellent....  
  
Vadne: Anyways, I'll zap in the G-boys now. (Vadne snaps her fingers and Wufei appears, waaay above the ground)  
  
Wufei: (crashes through the cardboard balcony) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Midori: Nooooooooo! The poor balcony!!(laments over the cardboard pieces and move the whole ruin behind the backdrop) That was smart, Vadne, dumping him through the backdrop like that! What're we gonna do for the balcony scene without the balcony?  
  
Wufei: ONNAs! Nearly broke my back and all they care about is the balcony...  
  
Vadne: Shut up! (ponders for a while) I know what! Since he broke it, he can be the balcony!  
  
Midori: Problem solved. Now, is there a less destructive way to get them here?  
  
Vadne: Umm, yeah.. (snaps fingers again)  
(The four other pilots appear in a poof of smoke and floats safely down onto the ground. With the exception of Heero, who trips over Wufei and lands flat on his face)  
  
Heero: Omae o korosu!! (gets up and aims his gun at Vadne)  
  
Vadne: No weapons, only magic in this show! (snaps her fingers and Heero's gun disappears)  
  
Heero *deathglare*: Hn...  
  
Duo: Why the hell are we here? And who are you?  
  
Midori: I'm Midori and she's Vadne and you are performing in our version of Romeo+Juliet.  
  
Duo: Riiighttt, what makes you think we're gonna perform it?  
  
Wufei: Chang Wufei is NOT a man who will perform in CRAZY Shakespearean plays produced by MAD onnas!  
  
Quatre(shudders): Shakespeare? Like that queer poem on crappy poem theatre about biting wind?  
  
Trowa: ... Translation: This is all a dream...a dream...I'll wake up... *blink* ...damn!  
  
Vadne: Well, there's the hard way... (snaps fingers)  
  
(Three Relenas appear on the stage, glomping Heero; A giant pair of scissors flies to and fro, trying to cut Duo's braid off; Trowa begins to do some kind of an erotic gypsy dance; while Quatre and Wufei are being overrun by a ton of spiders)  
Relenas: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrroooooo!!!!  
  
Duo (running from the scissors): AHHHHH! I'll be in your play, I'll do whatever you want!!   
Just get those scissors away!!!!  
  
Quatre: EEEEK! I'll do the play! Helpppppp! (leaps into Wufei's arms)  
  
Wufei: (skipping all over the place while attempting unsuccessfully to kill the spiders with his sword) AHHHHH! KILLTHEM! SOMEONE KILL THOSE WEAKLINGS!!! AHHHHH!!!  
  
Midori: (randomly stepping on spiders) Umm, Vadne I think that's quite enough...  
  
Vadne: So you'll do the play?  
  
G-boys (simultaneously): YES!! (Vadne gestures and everything reverts to normal)  
  
Midori: Hmm, Heero'll be Romeo, Duo can be Juliet, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei'll fill in the minor parts. Alright?  
  
G-boys: (open mouths to protest)  
  
Vadne: (prepares to snap her fingers again) Nani?  
  
G-boys: (clamp mouths)  
  
  
Midori: Okey dokey, here are the scripts and here are the costumes. Duo and Quatre can help us with the intro. Change rooms are to the right.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ten minutes later...  
(The curtains are opened. There are two chairs in front of the backdrop. Midori, Vadne and Duo, each holding a stack of queue cards are standing at the front.)  
  
Midori: Welcome to tonight's performance of Romeo and Juliet! I have a few announcements before we get started. Refrain from throwing crap at the actors and write down you suggestions in that little white box (points to bottom of page) after the play's done.  
  
Duo: Also, please refrain from drinking, eating, ecetera during the performance. For your convinience, toilets are located in the lobby. Also, please take a moment now to find the exit closest to your seat. (points to exits, in the manner of an airline flight attendant.) Should the theater experience a loss of pressure, oxygen masks (pulls one from his jacket pocket.) will drop automatically. Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth, and continue to breath normally. If you are at the theater with a small child, please place your own mask on first, and let the little bugger fend for himself. And don't sue me! I didn't write this mess.  
  
Vadne: Now I'd like to introduce ourselves. I am Vadne, beside me here are Duo and Midori. And now I will return backstage to check on the other actors. (exits)  
  
Midori: Well, let's start with a short biography on William Shakespeare... (elbows Duo)  
  
Duo: Umm, yes. (check queue cards) Please welcome Quatre, our esteemed Shakespeare scholar! (Midori and Duo sits in the armchairs)  
  
(Audience applauds. Dorothy's evil voice is heard: Go Quatre!!)  
  
Quatre (fidgets nervously): Thank you. Actually, I'm not a scholar, I've only read one book on Shakespeare, Shakespeare for Toddlers, which was also my coffee table sometimes...  
  
Midori (whispers harshly): Get on with it!  
  
Quatre: Sorry. So, how many of our audience have read or seen Shakespeare's plays?  
(All hands up)  
  
Quatre (retreating slowly): Good..... (whispers to Midori and Duo) Sorry, but I don't think I can do this, they probably know more about Shakespeare than I do! I think I'm gonna start running... now! (drops his quene cards and runs backstage)  
  
Duo: (picks up Quatre's queue cards and stands up) I think Quatre's just had a little stage fright. So I'll read the biography instead:  
(As this is just plain boring, let's just skip to the play, alright? No. Too bad for you.)  
  
  
(Midori and Vadne enters the stage as the narrators)  
Midori, Vadne: "Two households, both alike in dignity,..."  
  
Midori: Act One, Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome.  
One, Wufei. (Looks expectantly at the side of the stage. Silence) Where's he?  
  
Vadne: Probably a little trouble with his costume. Wait a sec... (exits)  
  
(Loud voices heard from backstage)  
Vadne: Come out this moment!  
Wufei: I am NOT going to go out in this dishonourable costume! LOOK AT THESE HOSE, IT'S MADE FOR ONNAS, NOT A MANLY MAN LIKE ME!! KISAMA!!  
Vadne: Fine, you asked for it!  
  
(Wufei limps quickly onto the stage wearing tight hoses and a puffy top with two spiders and Vadne trailing him. Trieze, in the audience, gets a minor nosebleed and a glare from Wufei)  
Midori: That was Wufei, who serves the Yuy's. And another man, a man working for the Maxwell House called Trowa. (Trowa enters with a triple axle + gets a round of applause)  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!  
  
Midori, Vadne, Trowa: Huh?  
  
Wufei: You made me look like a weakling!!(indicates limp) You should've limped too!  
  
Trowa: ...  
  
Midori (hisses): Bakas! Follow the script!  
  
Trowa (looks at queue cards hidden inside his sleeve): Do you quarrel, sir?  
  
Wufei (looks at script, which says No): YES  
  
(Massive fight scene. Wufei limps/chases Trowa offstage. Wufei flings a stunt-dummy Trowa onstage and chops it into two with his sword. Quatre enters as the Prince)  
  
Prince Quatre: Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace.  
Profaners of this neighbor-stained steel.  
You, Trowa, shall go along with me.  
Wufei, come you this afternoon.  
To know our farther pleasure in this case.   
(breaking out of character) Umm, what did that verse mean?  
  
Vadne: Just take the dummy!  
(Quatre exits with dummy. Heero makes a grand entrance as Romeo sniffing at a rose.)  
  
Wufei: Good morn' coz.   
  
Heero/Romeo: Is the day so young? Sad hours seem long. (mutters darkly about the horrible stupidity of Shakespeare)   
  
  
Wufei: What sadness? Are you in love?  
  
Heero/Romeo: Out of love. Out of her favor where I am in love. (spits in distaste)  
  
Relena (from audience): Heeerrooooo! You're not out of my favour! I looovvveee you!  
Other audiences: Shhh! (Dorothy slaps Relena and other audiences nods approvingly)  
  
Wufei: Go ye to the feast of Capulets.  
There sups the fair Relena (snickers) whom thou so lovest  
  
Heero/Romeo: *deathglare* Omae o korosu, wufei  
  
Wufei:(ignores him) With all the admired beauties of Verona.  
Go thither and compare her ugly face with others  
And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. (snickers)  
  
Relena: Me, a crow? What impertinence!  
  
Duo's voice from backstage: I don't think Heero needs to go. He already know she's a crow.  
(Relena stamps foot angrily and starts shouting profanities at Duo)  
  
Vadne: Miss P, if you don't quiet down right now I'll have the securities kick you out. And Heero, if you don't start following the script, I throw you off the stage to the shark!   
  
Midori: Anyways, Now to the feast of the Maxwells  
Where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet.  
And where, in a scene of timeless romance,  
He'll try to get into her uh, I think I'll just cut that out...  
(Duo enters as Juliet and does some kind of a dance. Romeo enters, sees her, and is immediately smitten.)  
  
Heero/Romeo (takes Duo hand): Can I kiss you?  
  
Duo/Juliet: What did you say?  
  
Heero/Romeo: Can I kiss you?  
  
Duo/Juliet: No way! (knees Heero in the groin and skips toward the side of the stage)   
Coming Mother!  
  
Heero/Romeo (deathglare at Duo and growls painfully): Is she a Maxwell? Aye, I feared so.  
Midori: Okay, so that was kinda weird... and the next bit's boring... so let's just skip straight to the famous balcony scene.  
  
(Wufei enters and Duo climbs onto his shoulders. Duo struggles awkwardly trying to stand up while Wufei limps around for a bit trying to get some balance. Quatre, who's hanging in midair with the help of some wires, holds the "moon".)  
  
Duo/Juliet: O Romeo!! Wherefore art thou Romeo!!  
  
Heero/Romeo: I will renounce my name to be with you if you do too.  
  
Duo/Juliet: Sure. I'll be Duo from now on.  
  
Heero/Romeo: And I'll be Heero.  
  
(Wufei loses balance as Duo leans down to kiss Heero, falls, and gets crushed under Duo)  
  
Wufei: KISAMA!! YOU're TOO HEAVY!! GERROOFFF ME, MAXWELLL!!!  
  
(Quatre starts to shake and laugh uncontrollably at the scene below him until the wire snaps..)  
  
Quatre (still holding the moon): AHHHHHH! (lands on Heero)  
  
Heero (under Quatre and the rubble of the moon): HN!!  
  
(Stage turns into a massive hubbub as each of the G-boyz try to clean themselves up)  
  
Curtain closes  
Vadne: Umm, a little technical difficulty here... so anyways, in the story,  
  
Midori: Duo and Heero's romance gets some help from the Maxwell House Friar (Trowa comes out dressed as a friar) and Juliet's nurse (Quatre comes out in a large robe). But Duo's parents wanted him to marry a certain Count Zechs (Duo comes out and sulks). The friar decided to help the lovers by giving Duo a special brew (Trowa takes out a large cauldron from nowhere and starts dropping stuff into it. Whips out a bottle and Duo takes it)...  
  
Vadne: that, taken, will make him look like he's dead. That way, he can elope with Heero without anyone knowing. (Duo gets a blackboard and some chalk and starts to draw a crude version of the whole plan, complete with stick people and whatnot.) So, Duo and the Maxwell House Friar followed the plan carefully and everyone thought Duo was dead (Duo sips from capsule and drops dead. Quatre and Wufei starts to cry)  
  
Wufei: WHAT? I am a MAN! I DO NOT CRY! (Vadne pelts a couple of half-peeled onions at him) *eyes all red and watery* wahhhhhh!! I'm not supposed to cry!  
  
Midori: Anyways, it seemed that the Friar forgot to do a very important thing - tell Heero that Duo wasn't actually dead. So Heero, after hearing the news, rushed to Duo's Tomb. (Heero rolls out a hospital stretcher with Duo on it.)  
  
Heero: I have failed. Oh Duo. (takes out poison from spandex-space) Self-destruct mission accepted. (Drinks poison) Mission Complet- *thud* (falls unconscious on the ground)  
  
(Duo wakes up)  
  
Duo: HEERO!! YOU'RE DEAD!! NOOOOOO!! (takes retractable sword and stabs himself with it) hey this is cool (stabs himself a few more times)  
  
Wufei: Kisama just die so we can leave!  
  
Duo: Okay. (Stabs himself once more and pretends to vomit all over the Relena)  
  
Relena (leaving her seat): Yuck Duo, get away from me!! (Duo dies)  
  
-----lights off-----  
----lights on-----  
  
Midori: So that is the end of our very crappy production of Heemeo and Duoliet.  
Thanks for reading! And now, please give our actors a round of applause!! (Audiences boo)  
  
(All the G-boyz stand up and bow, with the exception of Heero)  
  
Vadne: What's wrong with him?  
  
Trowa: ... (Translation: I put Vodka in the bottle of poison)  
  
Midori: Who cares?  
  
Quatre: Now can we leave?  
  
Midori: Ask them.  
  
(A bunch of fangirls runs onto the stage chasing after the four pilots. Relena gets to the unconscious Heero.)  
  
Vadne: Should we kill her?  
  
Midori: Nah. Let's let her kidnap Heero and we'll write a fic about that.  
(Relena runs off carrying Heero to her pink limosine)  
  
A/N: So that was really queer with a bit of OOC... I'm planning to write a one-minute Hamlet and a rappin' Othello next time. All suggestions and bashing welcome!!  
  



End file.
